A form of closure to something I've loved & hated for the past 5 years

It's been a while since I last wrote an entry so here goes...


for all those who've been in close contact with me the past year, you would know that i've been waiting for this day for an awful long time.. yes it's finally my turn to step down and perhaps keep my equipment in some cupboard until it turns rusty/mouldy and i'll be forced to throw it out.. Don't get me wrong, I love the sport but I hate the complications that came with it. I never thought that I would end this love-hate relationship with archery like that but bcoz of the way things happened towards the end, I guess it's a good way to keep me from ever thinking of coming back.


Archery has and will always be a sport full of memories for me, both bittersweet and beautiful ones. I started archery with a love for the elegance portrayed in the archer's form, for the slim and pretty arrows as well as the feeling of awe that you'll experience when you hold your breath and watch an archer hit the bullseye with no hint of difficulty visible on his/her face. Perhaps it was coz I wanted to be able to look like that, that I chose to devote myself to this sport.


From the beginning, archery was a test of my ability to commit, to go thru with whatever I've chosen and is just one of the many examples that emulate what I would do once I've chosen something and that is just to stick with it and try to do my best in completing it, to the extent of just bearing with it until it's over. I've never been tested this way before as this was smthg entirely different from what I was used to, as my prior commitments were never.. well, werent much to speak of as they didnt really require much effort from me. (or maybe it's coz I never really bothered to put in more effort)


I have always been this way - I will not back out of anything that I chose for myself.. that applies to aerospace engineering, to pcme in nj, to triple science in mg :) Though i was having a difficult time, I never ever gave myself the option of giving up though I would complain an awful lot. I guess it's a sore loser kind of thing, I don't want to admit to myself that I'm a coward who cant even go through with my decisions, let alone what life throws at me so for those situations which I can control, I will do my best in sticking with my choice, even if it turns out to be less than ideal.


Archery tested me physically (I don't know how I got thru all those PTs in NJ but knowing that I did always makes me feel proud of myself :p), mentally and at times, emotionally. Perhaps I should add socially too as I always had trainings to blame for not meeting up with some friends :p

I still recall the time my nj team went for a kbox-ing session and zhiyu and I were so happy that we could easily lift the jug full of iced lemon tea with one hand when we were certain that before archery, we could not achieve this kind of feat. As for mentally, well, with all the mental training I had in NJ, what I thought was cheesy previously was something that I now believe in. It seems that all those inspirational movies werent just fiction coz believing in yourself works.

Though my mental is prob quite weak nowadays with my inability to discipline myself in doing the more impt things (like my io report) n choosing instead to be doing a personal reflections thing that isnt as urgent. argh.

Anyway as for emotionally, I guess I'm referring to the way archery competitions and political situations can create havoc for my peace of mind.


Then somehow along the way, archery became something of which my performance in it was more 'controllable' than my results in school. I looked forward to the time that I could spend with my team rather than the time I spent in the classroom. As long as I trained myself physically, I would definitely see the results in the way I could hold my bow arm steady, in the straight flight of my arrow when it's flying to the target as well as in the way my arrows would land neatly on the target; none of them sticking out of the board at a funny angle.


But studies has and will always be more impt and whenever exams came around, I focused my attention on studying and stopped training during that period of time. It was precisely because I had archery to use as an excuse for mediocre results that I was reluctant to let go of this reason/excuse bcoz of what I would have to face whenever I saw my lousy results. If I didnt have archery to hide behind, then I would really be admitting to myself that I'm not that good and that's very difficult for someone like me who's always believed that she's quite alright when it comes to studies.


Being a lazy person by nature, once exams ended, turning up for trainings was hard for me especially after the initial interest wore off. I guess it's good that the year I came into NTU the captain's training regime was oh-so-militar-ish. Even though I hated every single part of it, I would never back out of anything easily so it kept me fit physically so that I could perform in competitions and make great friends in team NTU along the way. It was my stubborness that kept me from leaving archery at the beginning and it was my friends that kept me in there until today.


Yet I've finally chosen to leave and being an indecisive person, I wouldn't have committed myself to this decision if not for the various things that happened this year. Initally I had thought of quitting after my second year at NTU was done. But I was given a tempting opportunity to improve the many things I hated when I first came in and give back to a club that has given me so much. So I thought over it long and hard and finally made the decision to stay for one more year. I've always thought that there's something wrong in offering someone who hates training to be captain but well, once I've decided, I wouldnt neglect my obligations and duties. Maybe the one who offered knew this and so gave me that chance which I really am thankful for bcoz it's always been smthg that I've wanted even if I sat thru many painful lessons along the way.


In this one year, I learnt that being one of the first to be informed of the latest going-ons n gossips aint much fun. I learnt that even though I wanted to do my best, I couldnt bcoz of my responsibilities as a student. I found that I enjoyed working with some but also realised how irresponsible others could be. I saw how relationships could break down in just one year and othes formed in just a few months. I grew to cherish some but abhor the sight of others. I became aware of the fact that I could never really make decisions by myself and that I was always relying on others so that I didnt have to be responsible for the outcome. I also almost destroyed everything that I've worked for in the past 3 years by my own hands. Perhaps that was the one last straw that I couldnt take bcoz I saw what I had become.


I recognised that I havent become stronger at all, just the very opposite unfortunately.
NUS indoors always gives me new stuff every year, alternating between gifts and lessons.. and the one message that I see in all that happened, was that it's time to go.
I had great team-mates supporting me on both days, I had friends who believed in my right, I had friendly rivals who stood by me and I know a few wonderful people who knew the right things to say, to the right people. They will always have my gratitude.
That day, I cried for more than just that event. I cried for everything I've been thru in these few years, especially in the past year. I cried for all the people who werent friends anymore, I cried because of how I hated what I had become. I cried because if nothing had changed on sunday, I would have fought all the way and lost all that I worked for, in those 3 years. I would have become the source of animosity between two parties and forced all future generations along a dirty path. I would be that selfish, just for something that I could not let go of.
That day, I didnt care who saw and that's saying something.


I became vengeful and so filled with anger that I couldnt even recognise myself anymore. I've changed in the sense that I'm much furthur away from the person I've always wanted to be. I don't want to hold grudges, I don't want to be so unforgiving, I don't want to drag the whole team down with me even though they were willing to do whatever it takes, all for my sake. I don't want to be such a hateful person.  I didnt take up this post just to see them go to extremes for me. The team doesnt deserve that.

I just don't want to be always torn in two directions, unable to do my best in either bcoz of how I feel towards the other matter. I want to let go of things that only serves to make me unhappy and keep me from being a better person. I cannot see things objectively anymore and that hurts because I've always prided myself in being impartial no matter what. So I choose to leave now before I get worse. Even if I stayed, I would never really be around much bcoz of what I would see if I hanged around. Even though I still have valued friends there, I could never really enjoy the sport anymore. And I feel that being away is the only method I have to be able to forgive and forget. I havent forgotten what mg taught me and I want to be exactly that which mg personifies.


I guess I just needed to say this all out openly so that I can hold my head up high and just leave. Life has gotten a lot more complicated and I need to reorganise my priorities and find something else to strive for. I've been without aim for too long, so it's time I decided on my direction in life. I think that with time, I can look back and say that archery taught me a great deal and the most impt thing I've got out of it, is to become a better and stronger person who is able to face life and its challenges head on.

early march post -> NTU IAC and etc...

Having just read huiwen's blog entry that was on her thoughts abt canoe polo, I realised that as we grow up, we become more inflexible in our character such that we will always feel we are the more 'correct' one; why would i say this? haha it's just a thought coz i agree with her on many points bcoz of how similar her comments were with regards to my thoughts on my own situation in my team.. it's true that everyone would point fingers and I feel that I'm the one doing it all, I'm always blaming others, blaming the environment or whatever for things that go wrong. I blame others for their behaviour but perhaps I should stop and consider things from their point of view. Though I try to do that occasionally I feel that sometimes I really don't want to do that because believing that the other person is the one who's solely at fault and it's never my fault is so much easier than realising that perhaps half the problem is because of me.
My animosity towards certain individuals in the club is well-known among my team-mates and I have never found the need to hide it and this is partly because I strongly believe that there should not be a need to lie to yourself or to others and be someone who I'm not. I don't want to pretend to be nice to the person when I hate what he/she did to me, but then again, if I bother to think from their point of view, I would probably realise that they were doing exactly what I would if I were them.
At times I shoot my mouth off because of that belief to not hide who I am and what I am but I hurt people in the process and I end up feeling the guilt from regret. I really hate it when this happens so I think that I should learn how to think before I open my mouth and start saying whatever that is on my mind. It's time to learn how to phrase things in a much nicer way or shut up if I cant. At least that's a more ideal person to be than the current me and naturally I would want to strive to become someone better.

Anyway NTU IAC 2010 just ended last weekend and it was quite a fruitful event I would say, not so much in terms of physical rewards in the form of medals and trophies (though I did get some.. just not the ideal colour heh) but more so in terms of what I learnt about the juniors that I had the chance to teach and perhaps even some of the archers from the senior batches... but I also notice that I like to be in the thick of things? haha not so much the life of the party type but rather the one who can help support the team and know exactly what kind of things to say to encourage them (though I probably didnt perform that well in this aspect) .. however I realise this is not good for them..
why would i say this, it's probably because I promised myself that I would leave this place asap once I'm done with my term here that during the competition I noticed that the juniors havent quite learned how to rely on themselves or their team-mates yet.. they rely on me to a certain extent and all but the most important thing is lacking and that is verbal or even just mutual communication such as encouragement to support each other and remind each other so that they may perform on the line. Team communication is especially important for team knockout events, coz only their 2 other team-mates are in there with them and hence can talk to them and help them but they lack this crucial ingredient for the kind of team spirit that would bind them well together. Haha naturally I'm speaking from experience and all that coz I noticed this is exactly what is required when you dont have a coach and you only have each other to rely on... especially under those stressful conditions... so I guess my aim now is to teach them to be self-reliant or to rely on their team-mates and most of all, to learn how to be successful independent persons who would still understand the need to be humble in their pursuit for betterment of themselves as an archer and as a person...

heh hope that I can succeed and therefore, enable them to go far in this sport and whatever they choose to do..

some stuff....

finally e hols r here! i think i've lead a much more fulfilling life after e exams ended... did so many things, was so bz tt i didnt have time 2 note it all down! shucks.. i better get down 2 writing 'em down... hmm so e other day (juz a few days back) lance n i went town in search of my bdae cake but didnt find anything coz awfully chocolate didnt allow us 2 buy a slice 2 try 1st :( tsk tsk... but we did finally check out 313 @ somerset n iluma as well as vivo... getting re-acquainted with somewhere other than the west of singapore n ntu :p finally i have some sort of a life ;) haha esp since i've been complaining tt i didnt have a life this whole sem... e right phrase 2 describe yr 3 sem1 is seriously, life sucks! haha

I'm juz glad i made it thru that 14 weeks of torture... seriously, none of e previous sems could possibly match up 2 wat last sem was for me,... n after e exams ended, i really didnt wanna go back 2 trng, after all i juz ended exams that tue and had 2 get back to training tt sat! ouch... but at least I'm ok with training now, helping e juniors to e best of my abilities (not a lot though) is kinda nice though i really hope they can improve and do well... I hope i'm able to help them in some way or another coz I noe my abilities and if I could be of some use in teaching them or protecting them from the messed-up archery circle that would prob nv change in e yrs 2 come, I would have done my part :) ok, 4 mths left til i'm free from e stress n difficulties tt comes when u're in a position with loads of responsibilities... 4 mths more to clean up my act and improve e situation which to be honest, I have not done anything worthwhile for the past 5 mths or so... i guess i'm all talk n no action.. lazy n timid... argh i wanna make an impact isnt it? it's getting quite hard 2 rmber my original intentions when I first decided to take on this role.. so many things has happened to make me forget and dull my senses...

ok i shall try... soon... ehh real soon... gotta settle my IO stuff first n my bdae thing :) oh dear i'm really quite a slacker arent I? I should stop running away from e stuff tt needs 2 b done now...

Ability

i must believe i can do it.. that i can achieve big things, starting from this moment on... haha i am that capable even though i'm surrounded by people who're all way better than I am BUT i cannot lose focus, I cannot forget that I am an elite in my own way. Just because everyone else is better than I am does not mean that I am not someone with ability. It just means that I have positioned myself among the cream of the crop and I may not be as good as the rest but I cannot forget that in actual fact I'm that good when compared to the rest of the world.

So belief shall get me through this.

thoughts abt the person that i m

hmm was juz thinking wat sort of a person i m, whether i have any friends i can think of that i can count on to be there for me or rather for me to look for them when i'm feeling down or upset or anything and @ first i thought there wasnt many and i was feeling a bit down and then i decided to come to my blog and i saw that weide had commented on my post :D

and yup suddenly it felt like there's actually a lot of ppl out there that i can count on (those that i havent pissed off yet :s) and that's what i shall make myself believe. though i have made many ppl angry in the past (especially the not too long ago past) i realised that if i give it time, the relationship will heal and they'll become friends that i'm closer to than before... haha ppl lyk rach, not sure whether she still recalls that i made her angry before but i rmber it all too clearly and well i'm glad that she's still a v dear friend of mine... sometimes i feel that i'm distancing myself from my friends nowadays, not really gg out 2 catch up with them, juz staying at home/gg 2 sch, using e excuse of studying to well study.. i dunno, i sure dun wan 2 lose them n especially when i noe i have to meet them if i wan e relationship 2 b better than b4 (especially if i made them angry recently)... and well i'm a petty person (my bf noes this v well) so i dun forgive easily or forget fast so if i got angry too, it's true that i havent quite got over it yet and well i dun lyk this part of me but it's there and well, to be a better person, i gotta overcome it asap... but argh the grudge is there but then again when i think more abt it, what's e point of holding onto smthg so insignificant when I should not be holding back in order to live life to its fullest each day... hmm i'm not quite making sense again :p hahaha

let's all try to live life to its fullest everyday.

some little thoughts of mine..

hmm i realise i'm pretty much pessimistic wif my thoughts most of the time, failing to think abt the better things in life, always seeing things in a darker shade of light than it could have been seen in.. i noticed this a few days back while on my way to my driving lesson.. suddenly feeling as if i could see things in a better light, in a better way; be it my family, my friends, my driving lesson.. everything took on a better colour so as to speak... i was grateful for that which i have and a bit regretful over that which i don't but knowing that i already have so much n hence not being too greedy for more.. heh sounds quite deep n all but that was my thoughts at that point in time.. anyway the lesson after that turned out to be pretty bad so my mood took a swing downwards so it was perhaps gd that i had tried to make myself feel better before the lesson.. n in this incident i realise (as always) that my mood is ever-changing, easily swinging from happy to sad with the swift flow of my thoughts.. was juz thinking that i feel quite apologetic towards lance that he has to bear wif me when i'm in my moods.. throwing tempers or juz being downright unhappy... hmmm...is it a gals thing or issit juz me.. a qns i'll juz hav 2 consider but not really bother wif esp since my days are packed wif activities to bz myself wif everyday :P

recent msn nicks: '3 whole days more..' ... 'i reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some'

wat's wrong wif me todae...

haiz suddenly feeling v down. lyk wat's wrong wif me todae? perhaps coz of todae's events.. everything finally sinking in or smthg... the full impact of wat i did. hmmm todae wore blue top plus white skirt. n during lunch it got dirtied!! by sweet n sour sauce. i didnt lyk e sauce 2 begin wif but i guess it's juz fate tt i decided 2 let e auntie put it into my fd todae... n it got spilt on my clothes!Damn. Hurriedly ate finish n immediately headed 2 e toilet 2 clean up as much as i could. Thankfully by e time i'm done, e stain wasnt easily visible..i'm so gonna b more careful wif fd if i'm gonna wear light-coloured clothes again.. was alr being extra cautious todae... mebbe coz too cautious.. n made it worse. HAIZ. dunno dun wanna care.

Then coz i was acting stupid n got teased abt a so-called eye candy whom i only saw once... a glimpse... puh-leeze. My fault for acting lyk a pure bimbo n a brainless fool. Then tried 2 sa jiao 2 my relative 2 get him 2 buy donuts 4 me... lol, i am an idiot. Didnt get my way n got talked 2 in a condescending tone. Dont PatroNise Me!! Urgh. Hateful. Talking abt me who's hateful. Lyk wat's wrong wif me todae. Idiot, fool, twit, bimbo, pig, Argh.

Yesterdae went 2 e temp chinatown market (hawker centre) 2 hav dinner coz of a colleague's bdae... fd was ok. Then we went esplanade mall for chocolate drink... as in the whole place specialise in chocolate drinks... interesting concept, drink was ok, juz tasted lyk normal hot chocolate. Shall try something more special dere next time. But gg esplanade made me feel nostalgic? Dunno, hateful feeling. Lyk y am i forcing myself 2 rmber memories which will only make me sad now.. juz coz i feel it's expected of myself 2 feel down, 2 rmber stuff lyk all those drama serial ppl??! I'm crazed. I am a twit. Idiot. Crap. I'm stupid. I'm stronger than this. I know I am and I'm not a fool 2 begin wif, why start now? I think i shall go study 2 occupy my mind or smthg. Honestly, muz b coz i got nthg 2 keep my mind busy wif. Wish i could turn time back... these few daes keep wishing i could press Ctl+Z... Undo... but realised tt this is reality, i cant change wat i juz did, i cant undo wat i juz did... n i'll juz hav 2 do everything e hard way. There's only one chance in all that we do, now i really feel it. Really. Ah regrets.

Anyway, i was thinking, y am i even forcing myself 2 hav an eye candy in e first place? this stinks.. juz coz friends ask if dere's any shuai guyz ard i muz go purposely find? Am i stupid or wat. Dun care, i dun wan any eye candies in e first place n i sure dun wan any now. Haiz. juz let me turn back time 2 JC or sec sch.. anything but this horrible period of time i'm experiencing.

Ok, Enough, time 2 b more optimistic n forget all tt juz happened. Let time cause all these 2 fade.. fade away to nothingness.... it'll b for e best.

Recent msn nick: appearances r deceiving, ppl r not wat they appear 2 b, 2 dream a fairytale romance, 2 dream a fairytale, cease dont juz dont, dont patronise me!