It's been a while since I last wrote an entry so here goes...
for all those who've been in close contact with me the past year, you would know that i've been waiting for this day for an awful long time.. yes it's finally my turn to step down and perhaps keep my equipment in some cupboard until it turns rusty/mouldy and i'll be forced to throw it out.. Don't get me wrong, I love the sport but I hate the complications that came with it. I never thought that I would end this love-hate relationship with archery like that but bcoz of the way things happened towards the end, I guess it's a good way to keep me from ever thinking of coming back.
Archery has and will always be a sport full of memories for me, both bittersweet and beautiful ones. I started archery with a love for the elegance portrayed in the archer's form, for the slim and pretty arrows as well as the feeling of awe that you'll experience when you hold your breath and watch an archer hit the bullseye with no hint of difficulty visible on his/her face. Perhaps it was coz I wanted to be able to look like that, that I chose to devote myself to this sport.
From the beginning, archery was a test of my ability to commit, to go thru with whatever I've chosen and is just one of the many examples that emulate what I would do once I've chosen something and that is just to stick with it and try to do my best in completing it, to the extent of just bearing with it until it's over. I've never been tested this way before as this was smthg entirely different from what I was used to, as my prior commitments were never.. well, werent much to speak of as they didnt really require much effort from me. (or maybe it's coz I never really bothered to put in more effort)
I have always been this way - I will not back out of anything that I chose for myself.. that applies to aerospace engineering, to pcme in nj, to triple science in mg :) Though i was having a difficult time, I never ever gave myself the option of giving up though I would complain an awful lot. I guess it's a sore loser kind of thing, I don't want to admit to myself that I'm a coward who cant even go through with my decisions, let alone what life throws at me so for those situations which I can control, I will do my best in sticking with my choice, even if it turns out to be less than ideal.
Archery tested me physically (I don't know how I got thru all those PTs in NJ but knowing that I did always makes me feel proud of myself :p), mentally and at times, emotionally. Perhaps I should add socially too as I always had trainings to blame for not meeting up with some friends :p
I still recall the time my nj team went for a kbox-ing session and zhiyu and I were so happy that we could easily lift the jug full of iced lemon tea with one hand when we were certain that before archery, we could not achieve this kind of feat. As for mentally, well, with all the mental training I had in NJ, what I thought was cheesy previously was something that I now believe in. It seems that all those inspirational movies werent just fiction coz believing in yourself works.
Though my mental is prob quite weak nowadays with my inability to discipline myself in doing the more impt things (like my io report) n choosing instead to be doing a personal reflections thing that isnt as urgent. argh.
Anyway as for emotionally, I guess I'm referring to the way archery competitions and political situations can create havoc for my peace of mind.
Then somehow along the way, archery became something of which my performance in it was more 'controllable' than my results in school. I looked forward to the time that I could spend with my team rather than the time I spent in the classroom. As long as I trained myself physically, I would definitely see the results in the way I could hold my bow arm steady, in the straight flight of my arrow when it's flying to the target as well as in the way my arrows would land neatly on the target; none of them sticking out of the board at a funny angle.
But studies has and will always be more impt and whenever exams came around, I focused my attention on studying and stopped training during that period of time. It was precisely because I had archery to use as an excuse for mediocre results that I was reluctant to let go of this reason/excuse bcoz of what I would have to face whenever I saw my lousy results. If I didnt have archery to hide behind, then I would really be admitting to myself that I'm not that good and that's very difficult for someone like me who's always believed that she's quite alright when it comes to studies.
Being a lazy person by nature, once exams ended, turning up for trainings was hard for me especially after the initial interest wore off. I guess it's good that the year I came into NTU the captain's training regime was oh-so-militar-ish. Even though I hated every single part of it, I would never back out of anything easily so it kept me fit physically so that I could perform in competitions and make great friends in team NTU along the way. It was my stubborness that kept me from leaving archery at the beginning and it was my friends that kept me in there until today.
Yet I've finally chosen to leave and being an indecisive person, I wouldn't have committed myself to this decision if not for the various things that happened this year. Initally I had thought of quitting after my second year at NTU was done. But I was given a tempting opportunity to improve the many things I hated when I first came in and give back to a club that has given me so much. So I thought over it long and hard and finally made the decision to stay for one more year. I've always thought that there's something wrong in offering someone who hates training to be captain but well, once I've decided, I wouldnt neglect my obligations and duties. Maybe the one who offered knew this and so gave me that chance which I really am thankful for bcoz it's always been smthg that I've wanted even if I sat thru many painful lessons along the way.
In this one year, I learnt that being one of the first to be informed of the latest going-ons n gossips aint much fun. I learnt that even though I wanted to do my best, I couldnt bcoz of my responsibilities as a student. I found that I enjoyed working with some but also realised how irresponsible others could be. I saw how relationships could break down in just one year and othes formed in just a few months. I grew to cherish some but abhor the sight of others. I became aware of the fact that I could never really make decisions by myself and that I was always relying on others so that I didnt have to be responsible for the outcome. I also almost destroyed everything that I've worked for in the past 3 years by my own hands. Perhaps that was the one last straw that I couldnt take bcoz I saw what I had become.
I recognised that I havent become stronger at all, just the very opposite unfortunately.
NUS indoors always gives me new stuff every year, alternating between gifts and lessons.. and the one message that I see in all that happened, was that it's time to go.
I had great team-mates supporting me on both days, I had friends who believed in my right, I had friendly rivals who stood by me and I know a few wonderful people who knew the right things to say, to the right people. They will always have my gratitude.
That day, I cried for more than just that event. I cried for everything I've been thru in these few years, especially in the past year. I cried for all the people who werent friends anymore, I cried because of how I hated what I had become. I cried because if nothing had changed on sunday, I would have fought all the way and lost all that I worked for, in those 3 years. I would have become the source of animosity between two parties and forced all future generations along a dirty path. I would be that selfish, just for something that I could not let go of.
That day, I didnt care who saw and that's saying something.
I became vengeful and so filled with anger that I couldnt even recognise myself anymore. I've changed in the sense that I'm much furthur away from the person I've always wanted to be. I don't want to hold grudges, I don't want to be so unforgiving, I don't want to drag the whole team down with me even though they were willing to do whatever it takes, all for my sake. I don't want to be such a hateful person. I didnt take up this post just to see them go to extremes for me. The team doesnt deserve that.
I just don't want to be always torn in two directions, unable to do my best in either bcoz of how I feel towards the other matter. I want to let go of things that only serves to make me unhappy and keep me from being a better person. I cannot see things objectively anymore and that hurts because I've always prided myself in being impartial no matter what. So I choose to leave now before I get worse. Even if I stayed, I would never really be around much bcoz of what I would see if I hanged around. Even though I still have valued friends there, I could never really enjoy the sport anymore. And I feel that being away is the only method I have to be able to forgive and forget. I havent forgotten what mg taught me and I want to be exactly that which mg personifies.
I guess I just needed to say this all out openly so that I can hold my head up high and just leave. Life has gotten a lot more complicated and I need to reorganise my priorities and find something else to strive for. I've been without aim for too long, so it's time I decided on my direction in life. I think that with time, I can look back and say that archery taught me a great deal and the most impt thing I've got out of it, is to become a better and stronger person who is able to face life and its challenges head on.
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