Gosh, it seems as though I really only blog when I'm super busy (and maybe stressed and tired of it all). Year 4 sem 1 saw me slacking away / resting / enjoying school life to a certain degree by not doing much work and hence the absence of posts. Maybe it also had something to do with me not having much issues to rant about as I noticed that I seem to treat this as a place to reflect on problems that I'm facing or just to complain instead of sharing happier memories here. I should strive to post happy memories here instead so that I wouldn't forget them as time goes by.
Hmm as for sem 2 I think I was just like everyone else, trying to finish our FYP in time for report submission and the final presentation of our university days and naturally to make up for slacking sem 1 away:p
Year 4 was pretty relaxing and I finally felt like I'm in uni, finally being able to enjoy those fabled timetables we could be the envy of everyone else who had 4 or 5 days of classes in a week. Despite the dark cloud of FYP looming overhead, being able to decide on when I would like to do my FYP and having the control over my timetable so I can leave for home anytime I wanted since there were so little classes in a week, was truly a luxurious experience :p
Nevertheless all good things in life will come to an end and I was really grateful that despite all my last minute scrambling to finish my FYP work, I still did decently for my FYP :) Now in the blink of an eye I've already been working for 6 months and those days of studying have finally become a distant and beautiful memory of schoolmates, lecture theatres and tutorial rooms.
The one thing that I really missed is getting the chance to see my friends everyday in school even though with the short timetable that I had in my last sem, I saw quite little of my schoolmates already. To find the energy to meet up takes serious effort because of how tiring it is to work for more than 9 hours per day which inevitably leads to less frequent gatherings. We'll keep thinking that we'll get used to working life soon and perhaps then we can meet up with our friends but I have a feeling that no matter how long we work, the fatigue will always be there so we should just seize the day and arrange those gatherings we have been putting off since forever or we may never get the chance to do so as we get older.
Sometimes working just makes us so tired that we forget to slow down and reflect on our lives which blogging kinda helps me to do and so I guess having regular blogging sessions should help us show down and reflect on where we are in life as well as to consider the direction we are heading towards because unless we do so, we are probably just aimlessly drifting through each day and for all we know, one day we'll wake up and realize that this is not what I want in life but by then it'll be too late for regrets.
So let's take 5 minutes of our week to consider where we are in life before we forget to really live our life in life.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
A form of closure to something I've loved & hated for the past 5 years
It's been a while since I last wrote an entry so here goes...
for all those who've been in close contact with me the past year, you would know that i've been waiting for this day for an awful long time.. yes it's finally my turn to step down and perhaps keep my equipment in some cupboard until it turns rusty/mouldy and i'll be forced to throw it out.. Don't get me wrong, I love the sport but I hate the complications that came with it. I never thought that I would end this love-hate relationship with archery like that but bcoz of the way things happened towards the end, I guess it's a good way to keep me from ever thinking of coming back.
Archery has and will always be a sport full of memories for me, both bittersweet and beautiful ones. I started archery with a love for the elegance portrayed in the archer's form, for the slim and pretty arrows as well as the feeling of awe that you'll experience when you hold your breath and watch an archer hit the bullseye with no hint of difficulty visible on his/her face. Perhaps it was coz I wanted to be able to look like that, that I chose to devote myself to this sport.
From the beginning, archery was a test of my ability to commit, to go thru with whatever I've chosen and is just one of the many examples that emulate what I would do once I've chosen something and that is just to stick with it and try to do my best in completing it, to the extent of just bearing with it until it's over. I've never been tested this way before as this was smthg entirely different from what I was used to, as my prior commitments were never.. well, werent much to speak of as they didnt really require much effort from me. (or maybe it's coz I never really bothered to put in more effort)
I have always been this way - I will not back out of anything that I chose for myself.. that applies to aerospace engineering, to pcme in nj, to triple science in mg :) Though i was having a difficult time, I never ever gave myself the option of giving up though I would complain an awful lot. I guess it's a sore loser kind of thing, I don't want to admit to myself that I'm a coward who cant even go through with my decisions, let alone what life throws at me so for those situations which I can control, I will do my best in sticking with my choice, even if it turns out to be less than ideal.
Archery tested me physically (I don't know how I got thru all those PTs in NJ but knowing that I did always makes me feel proud of myself :p), mentally and at times, emotionally. Perhaps I should add socially too as I always had trainings to blame for not meeting up with some friends :p
I still recall the time my nj team went for a kbox-ing session and zhiyu and I were so happy that we could easily lift the jug full of iced lemon tea with one hand when we were certain that before archery, we could not achieve this kind of feat. As for mentally, well, with all the mental training I had in NJ, what I thought was cheesy previously was something that I now believe in. It seems that all those inspirational movies werent just fiction coz believing in yourself works.
Though my mental is prob quite weak nowadays with my inability to discipline myself in doing the more impt things (like my io report) n choosing instead to be doing a personal reflections thing that isnt as urgent. argh.
Anyway as for emotionally, I guess I'm referring to the way archery competitions and political situations can create havoc for my peace of mind.
Then somehow along the way, archery became something of which my performance in it was more 'controllable' than my results in school. I looked forward to the time that I could spend with my team rather than the time I spent in the classroom. As long as I trained myself physically, I would definitely see the results in the way I could hold my bow arm steady, in the straight flight of my arrow when it's flying to the target as well as in the way my arrows would land neatly on the target; none of them sticking out of the board at a funny angle.
But studies has and will always be more impt and whenever exams came around, I focused my attention on studying and stopped training during that period of time. It was precisely because I had archery to use as an excuse for mediocre results that I was reluctant to let go of this reason/excuse bcoz of what I would have to face whenever I saw my lousy results. If I didnt have archery to hide behind, then I would really be admitting to myself that I'm not that good and that's very difficult for someone like me who's always believed that she's quite alright when it comes to studies.
Being a lazy person by nature, once exams ended, turning up for trainings was hard for me especially after the initial interest wore off. I guess it's good that the year I came into NTU the captain's training regime was oh-so-militar-ish. Even though I hated every single part of it, I would never back out of anything easily so it kept me fit physically so that I could perform in competitions and make great friends in team NTU along the way. It was my stubborness that kept me from leaving archery at the beginning and it was my friends that kept me in there until today.
Yet I've finally chosen to leave and being an indecisive person, I wouldn't have committed myself to this decision if not for the various things that happened this year. Initally I had thought of quitting after my second year at NTU was done. But I was given a tempting opportunity to improve the many things I hated when I first came in and give back to a club that has given me so much. So I thought over it long and hard and finally made the decision to stay for one more year. I've always thought that there's something wrong in offering someone who hates training to be captain but well, once I've decided, I wouldnt neglect my obligations and duties. Maybe the one who offered knew this and so gave me that chance which I really am thankful for bcoz it's always been smthg that I've wanted even if I sat thru many painful lessons along the way.
In this one year, I learnt that being one of the first to be informed of the latest going-ons n gossips aint much fun. I learnt that even though I wanted to do my best, I couldnt bcoz of my responsibilities as a student. I found that I enjoyed working with some but also realised how irresponsible others could be. I saw how relationships could break down in just one year and othes formed in just a few months. I grew to cherish some but abhor the sight of others. I became aware of the fact that I could never really make decisions by myself and that I was always relying on others so that I didnt have to be responsible for the outcome. I also almost destroyed everything that I've worked for in the past 3 years by my own hands. Perhaps that was the one last straw that I couldnt take bcoz I saw what I had become.
I recognised that I havent become stronger at all, just the very opposite unfortunately.
NUS indoors always gives me new stuff every year, alternating between gifts and lessons.. and the one message that I see in all that happened, was that it's time to go.
I had great team-mates supporting me on both days, I had friends who believed in my right, I had friendly rivals who stood by me and I know a few wonderful people who knew the right things to say, to the right people. They will always have my gratitude.
That day, I cried for more than just that event. I cried for everything I've been thru in these few years, especially in the past year. I cried for all the people who werent friends anymore, I cried because of how I hated what I had become. I cried because if nothing had changed on sunday, I would have fought all the way and lost all that I worked for, in those 3 years. I would have become the source of animosity between two parties and forced all future generations along a dirty path. I would be that selfish, just for something that I could not let go of.
That day, I didnt care who saw and that's saying something.
I became vengeful and so filled with anger that I couldnt even recognise myself anymore. I've changed in the sense that I'm much furthur away from the person I've always wanted to be. I don't want to hold grudges, I don't want to be so unforgiving, I don't want to drag the whole team down with me even though they were willing to do whatever it takes, all for my sake. I don't want to be such a hateful person. I didnt take up this post just to see them go to extremes for me. The team doesnt deserve that.
I just don't want to be always torn in two directions, unable to do my best in either bcoz of how I feel towards the other matter. I want to let go of things that only serves to make me unhappy and keep me from being a better person. I cannot see things objectively anymore and that hurts because I've always prided myself in being impartial no matter what. So I choose to leave now before I get worse. Even if I stayed, I would never really be around much bcoz of what I would see if I hanged around. Even though I still have valued friends there, I could never really enjoy the sport anymore. And I feel that being away is the only method I have to be able to forgive and forget. I havent forgotten what mg taught me and I want to be exactly that which mg personifies.
I guess I just needed to say this all out openly so that I can hold my head up high and just leave. Life has gotten a lot more complicated and I need to reorganise my priorities and find something else to strive for. I've been without aim for too long, so it's time I decided on my direction in life. I think that with time, I can look back and say that archery taught me a great deal and the most impt thing I've got out of it, is to become a better and stronger person who is able to face life and its challenges head on.
for all those who've been in close contact with me the past year, you would know that i've been waiting for this day for an awful long time.. yes it's finally my turn to step down and perhaps keep my equipment in some cupboard until it turns rusty/mouldy and i'll be forced to throw it out.. Don't get me wrong, I love the sport but I hate the complications that came with it. I never thought that I would end this love-hate relationship with archery like that but bcoz of the way things happened towards the end, I guess it's a good way to keep me from ever thinking of coming back.
Archery has and will always be a sport full of memories for me, both bittersweet and beautiful ones. I started archery with a love for the elegance portrayed in the archer's form, for the slim and pretty arrows as well as the feeling of awe that you'll experience when you hold your breath and watch an archer hit the bullseye with no hint of difficulty visible on his/her face. Perhaps it was coz I wanted to be able to look like that, that I chose to devote myself to this sport.
From the beginning, archery was a test of my ability to commit, to go thru with whatever I've chosen and is just one of the many examples that emulate what I would do once I've chosen something and that is just to stick with it and try to do my best in completing it, to the extent of just bearing with it until it's over. I've never been tested this way before as this was smthg entirely different from what I was used to, as my prior commitments were never.. well, werent much to speak of as they didnt really require much effort from me. (or maybe it's coz I never really bothered to put in more effort)
I have always been this way - I will not back out of anything that I chose for myself.. that applies to aerospace engineering, to pcme in nj, to triple science in mg :) Though i was having a difficult time, I never ever gave myself the option of giving up though I would complain an awful lot. I guess it's a sore loser kind of thing, I don't want to admit to myself that I'm a coward who cant even go through with my decisions, let alone what life throws at me so for those situations which I can control, I will do my best in sticking with my choice, even if it turns out to be less than ideal.
Archery tested me physically (I don't know how I got thru all those PTs in NJ but knowing that I did always makes me feel proud of myself :p), mentally and at times, emotionally. Perhaps I should add socially too as I always had trainings to blame for not meeting up with some friends :p
I still recall the time my nj team went for a kbox-ing session and zhiyu and I were so happy that we could easily lift the jug full of iced lemon tea with one hand when we were certain that before archery, we could not achieve this kind of feat. As for mentally, well, with all the mental training I had in NJ, what I thought was cheesy previously was something that I now believe in. It seems that all those inspirational movies werent just fiction coz believing in yourself works.
Though my mental is prob quite weak nowadays with my inability to discipline myself in doing the more impt things (like my io report) n choosing instead to be doing a personal reflections thing that isnt as urgent. argh.
Anyway as for emotionally, I guess I'm referring to the way archery competitions and political situations can create havoc for my peace of mind.
Then somehow along the way, archery became something of which my performance in it was more 'controllable' than my results in school. I looked forward to the time that I could spend with my team rather than the time I spent in the classroom. As long as I trained myself physically, I would definitely see the results in the way I could hold my bow arm steady, in the straight flight of my arrow when it's flying to the target as well as in the way my arrows would land neatly on the target; none of them sticking out of the board at a funny angle.
But studies has and will always be more impt and whenever exams came around, I focused my attention on studying and stopped training during that period of time. It was precisely because I had archery to use as an excuse for mediocre results that I was reluctant to let go of this reason/excuse bcoz of what I would have to face whenever I saw my lousy results. If I didnt have archery to hide behind, then I would really be admitting to myself that I'm not that good and that's very difficult for someone like me who's always believed that she's quite alright when it comes to studies.
Being a lazy person by nature, once exams ended, turning up for trainings was hard for me especially after the initial interest wore off. I guess it's good that the year I came into NTU the captain's training regime was oh-so-militar-ish. Even though I hated every single part of it, I would never back out of anything easily so it kept me fit physically so that I could perform in competitions and make great friends in team NTU along the way. It was my stubborness that kept me from leaving archery at the beginning and it was my friends that kept me in there until today.
Yet I've finally chosen to leave and being an indecisive person, I wouldn't have committed myself to this decision if not for the various things that happened this year. Initally I had thought of quitting after my second year at NTU was done. But I was given a tempting opportunity to improve the many things I hated when I first came in and give back to a club that has given me so much. So I thought over it long and hard and finally made the decision to stay for one more year. I've always thought that there's something wrong in offering someone who hates training to be captain but well, once I've decided, I wouldnt neglect my obligations and duties. Maybe the one who offered knew this and so gave me that chance which I really am thankful for bcoz it's always been smthg that I've wanted even if I sat thru many painful lessons along the way.
In this one year, I learnt that being one of the first to be informed of the latest going-ons n gossips aint much fun. I learnt that even though I wanted to do my best, I couldnt bcoz of my responsibilities as a student. I found that I enjoyed working with some but also realised how irresponsible others could be. I saw how relationships could break down in just one year and othes formed in just a few months. I grew to cherish some but abhor the sight of others. I became aware of the fact that I could never really make decisions by myself and that I was always relying on others so that I didnt have to be responsible for the outcome. I also almost destroyed everything that I've worked for in the past 3 years by my own hands. Perhaps that was the one last straw that I couldnt take bcoz I saw what I had become.
I recognised that I havent become stronger at all, just the very opposite unfortunately.
NUS indoors always gives me new stuff every year, alternating between gifts and lessons.. and the one message that I see in all that happened, was that it's time to go.
I had great team-mates supporting me on both days, I had friends who believed in my right, I had friendly rivals who stood by me and I know a few wonderful people who knew the right things to say, to the right people. They will always have my gratitude.
That day, I cried for more than just that event. I cried for everything I've been thru in these few years, especially in the past year. I cried for all the people who werent friends anymore, I cried because of how I hated what I had become. I cried because if nothing had changed on sunday, I would have fought all the way and lost all that I worked for, in those 3 years. I would have become the source of animosity between two parties and forced all future generations along a dirty path. I would be that selfish, just for something that I could not let go of.
That day, I didnt care who saw and that's saying something.
I became vengeful and so filled with anger that I couldnt even recognise myself anymore. I've changed in the sense that I'm much furthur away from the person I've always wanted to be. I don't want to hold grudges, I don't want to be so unforgiving, I don't want to drag the whole team down with me even though they were willing to do whatever it takes, all for my sake. I don't want to be such a hateful person. I didnt take up this post just to see them go to extremes for me. The team doesnt deserve that.
I just don't want to be always torn in two directions, unable to do my best in either bcoz of how I feel towards the other matter. I want to let go of things that only serves to make me unhappy and keep me from being a better person. I cannot see things objectively anymore and that hurts because I've always prided myself in being impartial no matter what. So I choose to leave now before I get worse. Even if I stayed, I would never really be around much bcoz of what I would see if I hanged around. Even though I still have valued friends there, I could never really enjoy the sport anymore. And I feel that being away is the only method I have to be able to forgive and forget. I havent forgotten what mg taught me and I want to be exactly that which mg personifies.
I guess I just needed to say this all out openly so that I can hold my head up high and just leave. Life has gotten a lot more complicated and I need to reorganise my priorities and find something else to strive for. I've been without aim for too long, so it's time I decided on my direction in life. I think that with time, I can look back and say that archery taught me a great deal and the most impt thing I've got out of it, is to become a better and stronger person who is able to face life and its challenges head on.
Friday, June 04, 2010
working life and more
Oops i guess i havent quite kept my trend of 1 entry per mth since march... hmm it's the beginning of june already, wow, how time flies ;) anyway my daily life now (@ least for 6 more weeks) includes waking up super early and reaching my attachment workplace super early.. juz today i clocked in a new 'early': 7.11am when reporting time is only at 8am.. haha it's coz my uncle fetches me to work (thankfully) so it's either this or leaving home 2 hrs earlier juz to get to work by 8am so i'm sure it's worth it, yup i juz need to convince myself that when i wake up every morning scrambling to get my things ready before my uncle comes..
anyway juz smthg random, ytd morning i saw a bus flipped on its side in lane 1 of the PIE expressway.. it's lucky that we headed out early coz apparently the jam afterwards (thanks to gawking drivers on both sides of the expressway) lasted til 2pm and stretched all the way to bukit batok when the jam was only at lornie road area... it was quite a worrying sight coz you really hope the bus driver and passengers (if any, hopefully there was none) were ok, after all, accidents are no joke.. you could really get injured in them.. coz recently my sister who juz got her driving license got into an accident, it was the lorry who knocked into her but she seriously juz passed for like 1 wk then get this kind of thing (btw she passed on her 1st try.. lucky girl..), but thankfully my dad and her who were in the car were alright,.. juz backaches but no serious permanent injuries.. it's only the car that needed some repairs though the workshop sure took its time to return the car.. having the car to drive ard is a convenience that is undeniable especially when you have to lug your training stuff around singapore on public transport without it.. but no doubt a car is still not necessary, considering the price of a car nowadays, it seems more of a liability than an asset haha.. at least until i earn super a lot of $$ but that'll take time and effort and work is a bit boring nowadays already (though it's only my 4th wk of attachment) so i dun really know how i'm going to survive years and years of working life upon graduation :x anddd i also dun think i'll earn a lot :x haiz we'll see..
anyway i only juz realised that i got some comments on the tagboard, haha it's nice to see visitors and after reading that march entry again, i wondered how i managed to write like that :p haha seems beyond me..
since i'm on the topic of the previous entry, that being my team, maybe i should give an update..
well the fact that i'm about 3 weeks away to stepping down from the post of captain makes me feel that i should make last-minute amendments for my seemingly not-strict-enough attitude to the juniors in the past year.. i feel that they've been getting out of hand since exams ended or maybe even prior to that and it's not a nice feeling.. it's as if they don't respect my position (or my vcapt's position) after all that we've done for them (hopefully a lot) coz like they don't even bother to tell us properly that they're not able to turn up for trainings (to say it nicely) or why they don't want to come down.. this is really unbecoming of them because past few batches of juniors arent allowed the luxury to not come for trainings due to the past few very strict captains.. so i shall not bother to be nice these last 3 weeks.. haha perhaps that could be my saving grace.. i guess i started out wanting to do a lot but accomplishing little.. though 1 of the juniors i talked to assure me that i've done a good job but personally i don't think so.. i mean how can i think that way when i feel as if they don't have that level of respect for me if they dun even bother with the basic courtesy of informing me beforehand of their absence in trainings.. not to mention they are in really bad shape due to lack of strength and aside from that their form isnt good yet.. haiz.
anyway enough with that, i can't wait to step down actually and really leave the club.. i guess i have had enuff with all the politics and unhappiness which i didnt know exist until this year. how blissful it would be juz 2 b a normal member who doesnt have to be involved with the issues of the main comm..
n as for studies.. i'm worried for my results next year coz i purposely took the 10wks attachment instead of the 6 mths one to pull up my results with yr 3 sem 2 and i think though it worked but it didnt help by as much as i hoped it would so now i'm still in a risky situation.. not 2 mention that yr 4 wouldnt be a breeze either.. haiz..
oh yes, i'm gg philippines for holiday this coming aug! heh cant wait, i really think that learning how 2 dive would be fun and i hope that i will have the energy to capture lots of nice moments (i really hope there will be a lot) on camera.. haha i guess most of all i hope the place wouldnt disappoint though i havent even gotten ard to planning the destination yet :p okok i shall get to reading the 10th edition lonely planet guidebk that i was so happy 2 get my hands on since most of the 10th editions are perpetually always on loan or trace placed :p
anyway juz smthg random, ytd morning i saw a bus flipped on its side in lane 1 of the PIE expressway.. it's lucky that we headed out early coz apparently the jam afterwards (thanks to gawking drivers on both sides of the expressway) lasted til 2pm and stretched all the way to bukit batok when the jam was only at lornie road area... it was quite a worrying sight coz you really hope the bus driver and passengers (if any, hopefully there was none) were ok, after all, accidents are no joke.. you could really get injured in them.. coz recently my sister who juz got her driving license got into an accident, it was the lorry who knocked into her but she seriously juz passed for like 1 wk then get this kind of thing (btw she passed on her 1st try.. lucky girl..), but thankfully my dad and her who were in the car were alright,.. juz backaches but no serious permanent injuries.. it's only the car that needed some repairs though the workshop sure took its time to return the car.. having the car to drive ard is a convenience that is undeniable especially when you have to lug your training stuff around singapore on public transport without it.. but no doubt a car is still not necessary, considering the price of a car nowadays, it seems more of a liability than an asset haha.. at least until i earn super a lot of $$ but that'll take time and effort and work is a bit boring nowadays already (though it's only my 4th wk of attachment) so i dun really know how i'm going to survive years and years of working life upon graduation :x anddd i also dun think i'll earn a lot :x haiz we'll see..
anyway i only juz realised that i got some comments on the tagboard, haha it's nice to see visitors and after reading that march entry again, i wondered how i managed to write like that :p haha seems beyond me..
since i'm on the topic of the previous entry, that being my team, maybe i should give an update..
well the fact that i'm about 3 weeks away to stepping down from the post of captain makes me feel that i should make last-minute amendments for my seemingly not-strict-enough attitude to the juniors in the past year.. i feel that they've been getting out of hand since exams ended or maybe even prior to that and it's not a nice feeling.. it's as if they don't respect my position (or my vcapt's position) after all that we've done for them (hopefully a lot) coz like they don't even bother to tell us properly that they're not able to turn up for trainings (to say it nicely) or why they don't want to come down.. this is really unbecoming of them because past few batches of juniors arent allowed the luxury to not come for trainings due to the past few very strict captains.. so i shall not bother to be nice these last 3 weeks.. haha perhaps that could be my saving grace.. i guess i started out wanting to do a lot but accomplishing little.. though 1 of the juniors i talked to assure me that i've done a good job but personally i don't think so.. i mean how can i think that way when i feel as if they don't have that level of respect for me if they dun even bother with the basic courtesy of informing me beforehand of their absence in trainings.. not to mention they are in really bad shape due to lack of strength and aside from that their form isnt good yet.. haiz.
anyway enough with that, i can't wait to step down actually and really leave the club.. i guess i have had enuff with all the politics and unhappiness which i didnt know exist until this year. how blissful it would be juz 2 b a normal member who doesnt have to be involved with the issues of the main comm..
n as for studies.. i'm worried for my results next year coz i purposely took the 10wks attachment instead of the 6 mths one to pull up my results with yr 3 sem 2 and i think though it worked but it didnt help by as much as i hoped it would so now i'm still in a risky situation.. not 2 mention that yr 4 wouldnt be a breeze either.. haiz..
oh yes, i'm gg philippines for holiday this coming aug! heh cant wait, i really think that learning how 2 dive would be fun and i hope that i will have the energy to capture lots of nice moments (i really hope there will be a lot) on camera.. haha i guess most of all i hope the place wouldnt disappoint though i havent even gotten ard to planning the destination yet :p okok i shall get to reading the 10th edition lonely planet guidebk that i was so happy 2 get my hands on since most of the 10th editions are perpetually always on loan or trace placed :p
Saturday, March 13, 2010
early march post -> NTU IAC and etc...
Having just read huiwen's blog entry that was on her thoughts abt canoe polo, I realised that as we grow up, we become more inflexible in our character such that we will always feel we are the more 'correct' one; why would i say this? haha it's just a thought coz i agree with her on many points bcoz of how similar her comments were with regards to my thoughts on my own situation in my team.. it's true that everyone would point fingers and I feel that I'm the one doing it all, I'm always blaming others, blaming the environment or whatever for things that go wrong. I blame others for their behaviour but perhaps I should stop and consider things from their point of view. Though I try to do that occasionally I feel that sometimes I really don't want to do that because believing that the other person is the one who's solely at fault and it's never my fault is so much easier than realising that perhaps half the problem is because of me.
My animosity towards certain individuals in the club is well-known among my team-mates and I have never found the need to hide it and this is partly because I strongly believe that there should not be a need to lie to yourself or to others and be someone who I'm not. I don't want to pretend to be nice to the person when I hate what he/she did to me, but then again, if I bother to think from their point of view, I would probably realise that they were doing exactly what I would if I were them.
At times I shoot my mouth off because of that belief to not hide who I am and what I am but I hurt people in the process and I end up feeling the guilt from regret. I really hate it when this happens so I think that I should learn how to think before I open my mouth and start saying whatever that is on my mind. It's time to learn how to phrase things in a much nicer way or shut up if I cant. At least that's a more ideal person to be than the current me and naturally I would want to strive to become someone better.
Anyway NTU IAC 2010 just ended last weekend and it was quite a fruitful event I would say, not so much in terms of physical rewards in the form of medals and trophies (though I did get some.. just not the ideal colour heh) but more so in terms of what I learnt about the juniors that I had the chance to teach and perhaps even some of the archers from the senior batches... but I also notice that I like to be in the thick of things? haha not so much the life of the party type but rather the one who can help support the team and know exactly what kind of things to say to encourage them (though I probably didnt perform that well in this aspect) .. however I realise this is not good for them..
why would i say this, it's probably because I promised myself that I would leave this place asap once I'm done with my term here that during the competition I noticed that the juniors havent quite learned how to rely on themselves or their team-mates yet.. they rely on me to a certain extent and all but the most important thing is lacking and that is verbal or even just mutual communication such as encouragement to support each other and remind each other so that they may perform on the line. Team communication is especially important for team knockout events, coz only their 2 other team-mates are in there with them and hence can talk to them and help them but they lack this crucial ingredient for the kind of team spirit that would bind them well together. Haha naturally I'm speaking from experience and all that coz I noticed this is exactly what is required when you dont have a coach and you only have each other to rely on... especially under those stressful conditions... so I guess my aim now is to teach them to be self-reliant or to rely on their team-mates and most of all, to learn how to be successful independent persons who would still understand the need to be humble in their pursuit for betterment of themselves as an archer and as a person...
heh hope that I can succeed and therefore, enable them to go far in this sport and whatever they choose to do..
My animosity towards certain individuals in the club is well-known among my team-mates and I have never found the need to hide it and this is partly because I strongly believe that there should not be a need to lie to yourself or to others and be someone who I'm not. I don't want to pretend to be nice to the person when I hate what he/she did to me, but then again, if I bother to think from their point of view, I would probably realise that they were doing exactly what I would if I were them.
At times I shoot my mouth off because of that belief to not hide who I am and what I am but I hurt people in the process and I end up feeling the guilt from regret. I really hate it when this happens so I think that I should learn how to think before I open my mouth and start saying whatever that is on my mind. It's time to learn how to phrase things in a much nicer way or shut up if I cant. At least that's a more ideal person to be than the current me and naturally I would want to strive to become someone better.
Anyway NTU IAC 2010 just ended last weekend and it was quite a fruitful event I would say, not so much in terms of physical rewards in the form of medals and trophies (though I did get some.. just not the ideal colour heh) but more so in terms of what I learnt about the juniors that I had the chance to teach and perhaps even some of the archers from the senior batches... but I also notice that I like to be in the thick of things? haha not so much the life of the party type but rather the one who can help support the team and know exactly what kind of things to say to encourage them (though I probably didnt perform that well in this aspect) .. however I realise this is not good for them..
why would i say this, it's probably because I promised myself that I would leave this place asap once I'm done with my term here that during the competition I noticed that the juniors havent quite learned how to rely on themselves or their team-mates yet.. they rely on me to a certain extent and all but the most important thing is lacking and that is verbal or even just mutual communication such as encouragement to support each other and remind each other so that they may perform on the line. Team communication is especially important for team knockout events, coz only their 2 other team-mates are in there with them and hence can talk to them and help them but they lack this crucial ingredient for the kind of team spirit that would bind them well together. Haha naturally I'm speaking from experience and all that coz I noticed this is exactly what is required when you dont have a coach and you only have each other to rely on... especially under those stressful conditions... so I guess my aim now is to teach them to be self-reliant or to rely on their team-mates and most of all, to learn how to be successful independent persons who would still understand the need to be humble in their pursuit for betterment of themselves as an archer and as a person...
heh hope that I can succeed and therefore, enable them to go far in this sport and whatever they choose to do..
Monday, February 01, 2010
archery troubles
i think it's abt time i started or rather continued with writing 1 entry per mth kind of thing... haha anyway juz wanted to say i've been super slack since sem2 started coz of the so much lighter timetable that i have.. and suddenly i realised sch didnt have to be that stressful and somehow, engineering is really the craziest course ever... the question 'why did i ever want to enter this course' is still a big mystery to me but i'm doing ok now though life isnt always that nice and will always throw obstacles in your otherwise smooth journey in life...
so let's talk abt the obstacles.. firstly we shall discuss archery... guess what? the archery circle juz got more complicated. let's say newbies and experienced archers alike would probably be disgusted and dissuaded from enjoying the sport upon learning of a certain new group in town. let's not say who but i'm really unhappy that (like a rival company in the working world) poaching of 'employees' is actually happening, is actually starting to happen. Well i should have known that things wouldnt just die down coz things went more or less to the majority's favour. Oh yeah, there'll always be waves made to counter the good things that happened. Ok so let me confirm that I will leave this 'circle' in say 4mths? not counting exam period of course but at the rate things are going, I have no intention to fight against some idiots who think they're so good in what they do that they fail to realise that they arent exactly the best in other areas of life. Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm supposed to do in life when the one thing that made me happy previously and that I was proud of is giving me hell these few months. Life got a lot more complicated upon entering ntu... haha in more ways than one... i like the fact that I have a new somebody to treasure when I entered ntu but I hate the fact that I got to know many people with characteristics and behaviours that are distasteful to me upon becoming an undergraduate. And we all wonder, how come growing up was such a fantastic thing to us just a few years back but is really a troublesome affair now...
ok actually that's all i wanted to say right now... other obstacles dont have to be mentioned yet... oh yah perhaps creating miracles in 4 weeks is quite a huge obstacle that we have... I wonder how I'm going to accomplish that. It seems that I have lousy time management skills. Time to be fierce, be mean, and hopefully produce some results after this. Otherwise, all that trouble would be for naught.
so let's talk abt the obstacles.. firstly we shall discuss archery... guess what? the archery circle juz got more complicated. let's say newbies and experienced archers alike would probably be disgusted and dissuaded from enjoying the sport upon learning of a certain new group in town. let's not say who but i'm really unhappy that (like a rival company in the working world) poaching of 'employees' is actually happening, is actually starting to happen. Well i should have known that things wouldnt just die down coz things went more or less to the majority's favour. Oh yeah, there'll always be waves made to counter the good things that happened. Ok so let me confirm that I will leave this 'circle' in say 4mths? not counting exam period of course but at the rate things are going, I have no intention to fight against some idiots who think they're so good in what they do that they fail to realise that they arent exactly the best in other areas of life. Sometimes, I really wonder what I'm supposed to do in life when the one thing that made me happy previously and that I was proud of is giving me hell these few months. Life got a lot more complicated upon entering ntu... haha in more ways than one... i like the fact that I have a new somebody to treasure when I entered ntu but I hate the fact that I got to know many people with characteristics and behaviours that are distasteful to me upon becoming an undergraduate. And we all wonder, how come growing up was such a fantastic thing to us just a few years back but is really a troublesome affair now...
ok actually that's all i wanted to say right now... other obstacles dont have to be mentioned yet... oh yah perhaps creating miracles in 4 weeks is quite a huge obstacle that we have... I wonder how I'm going to accomplish that. It seems that I have lousy time management skills. Time to be fierce, be mean, and hopefully produce some results after this. Otherwise, all that trouble would be for naught.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
some stuff....
finally e hols r here! i think i've lead a much more fulfilling life after e exams ended... did so many things, was so bz tt i didnt have time 2 note it all down! shucks.. i better get down 2 writing 'em down... hmm so e other day (juz a few days back) lance n i went town in search of my bdae cake but didnt find anything coz awfully chocolate didnt allow us 2 buy a slice 2 try 1st :( tsk tsk... but we did finally check out 313 @ somerset n iluma as well as vivo... getting re-acquainted with somewhere other than the west of singapore n ntu :p finally i have some sort of a life ;) haha esp since i've been complaining tt i didnt have a life this whole sem... e right phrase 2 describe yr 3 sem1 is seriously, life sucks! haha
I'm juz glad i made it thru that 14 weeks of torture... seriously, none of e previous sems could possibly match up 2 wat last sem was for me,... n after e exams ended, i really didnt wanna go back 2 trng, after all i juz ended exams that tue and had 2 get back to training tt sat! ouch... but at least I'm ok with training now, helping e juniors to e best of my abilities (not a lot though) is kinda nice though i really hope they can improve and do well... I hope i'm able to help them in some way or another coz I noe my abilities and if I could be of some use in teaching them or protecting them from the messed-up archery circle that would prob nv change in e yrs 2 come, I would have done my part :) ok, 4 mths left til i'm free from e stress n difficulties tt comes when u're in a position with loads of responsibilities... 4 mths more to clean up my act and improve e situation which to be honest, I have not done anything worthwhile for the past 5 mths or so... i guess i'm all talk n no action.. lazy n timid... argh i wanna make an impact isnt it? it's getting quite hard 2 rmber my original intentions when I first decided to take on this role.. so many things has happened to make me forget and dull my senses...
ok i shall try... soon... ehh real soon... gotta settle my IO stuff first n my bdae thing :) oh dear i'm really quite a slacker arent I? I should stop running away from e stuff tt needs 2 b done now...
I'm juz glad i made it thru that 14 weeks of torture... seriously, none of e previous sems could possibly match up 2 wat last sem was for me,... n after e exams ended, i really didnt wanna go back 2 trng, after all i juz ended exams that tue and had 2 get back to training tt sat! ouch... but at least I'm ok with training now, helping e juniors to e best of my abilities (not a lot though) is kinda nice though i really hope they can improve and do well... I hope i'm able to help them in some way or another coz I noe my abilities and if I could be of some use in teaching them or protecting them from the messed-up archery circle that would prob nv change in e yrs 2 come, I would have done my part :) ok, 4 mths left til i'm free from e stress n difficulties tt comes when u're in a position with loads of responsibilities... 4 mths more to clean up my act and improve e situation which to be honest, I have not done anything worthwhile for the past 5 mths or so... i guess i'm all talk n no action.. lazy n timid... argh i wanna make an impact isnt it? it's getting quite hard 2 rmber my original intentions when I first decided to take on this role.. so many things has happened to make me forget and dull my senses...
ok i shall try... soon... ehh real soon... gotta settle my IO stuff first n my bdae thing :) oh dear i'm really quite a slacker arent I? I should stop running away from e stuff tt needs 2 b done now...
Monday, November 09, 2009
Ability
i must believe i can do it.. that i can achieve big things, starting from this moment on... haha i am that capable even though i'm surrounded by people who're all way better than I am BUT i cannot lose focus, I cannot forget that I am an elite in my own way. Just because everyone else is better than I am does not mean that I am not someone with ability. It just means that I have positioned myself among the cream of the crop and I may not be as good as the rest but I cannot forget that in actual fact I'm that good when compared to the rest of the world.
So belief shall get me through this.
So belief shall get me through this.
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