Sometimes i can behave so irrationally.
But 2 b honest dere's always a reason y, even if it takes some time for me to figure out.
Right now i juz feel tired though i dunno y.. been tired since i woke up, issit coz i havent had enuff slp? but my slping hours didnt differ much... my body's also aching a bit, mainly the shoulders, back n arms... thx 2 ytd's trng i should think, but it's all my fault 4 taking such a long break from trng... esp wif pesta sukan juz this wkend.. i wonder how i'll perform eventually.. difficult 2 do well so i shant hav any expectations i suppose.. i really prefer not joining this particular competition even though it's 1 of e more impt comp... =x
Been behaving quite badly these few wks.. i was temperamental, mean, rude, evil... everything bad abt me juz showed itself recently... n i was trying 2 figure out y on e bus ride home after a particularly horrible appearance of one of my many imperfections... n i deduced tt i m juz..... stressed. Such a simple word yet it could cause so many problems..
why am i stressed? the sources are sch work, my hall room n my own inability to cope wif all tt's gg on. It takes a lot out of me juz 2 understand wat's gg on during my various subjects n plus the tutorials, it juz got to a point where i couldnt take it. Naturally it's also coz i've never been optimistic abt my performance wif regards to physics, esp for this semester. I've almost lost all hope i suppose... especially after every tutorial when i can't follow what the tutor is gg thru abt the various qns. This is juz so frustrating, so agonizing in a way...
I kinda wish i was back in secondary sch? when i was much better @ handling stress though definitely not perfectly, when grades werent as impt as doing my best and being satisfied wif that, when i've always worked hard 2 not let myself down...
Now i'm too reluctant to start working hard, 2 start on tutorials... for reasons tt include the difficulty level of the qns, the complexity of the theories & eqns involved. I no longer understand wat's doing my best so tt i will hav no regrets; n tt used 2 b wat i always told myself back in sec sch.. seems lyk studies got a lot tougher.. or i got a lot weaker... I'm no longer in full control of my actions my thoughts my grades so as 2 speak.. all bcoz of stress i suppose, n my increasingly pessimistic nature... i juz wan 2 do well, from now on but tt's lyk an impossible task 2 do.. I'm so tired.
I hate that i've become lyk this despite being older, i thought maturity comes wif age..? Guess i'm not old enuff.. though i hav e feeling tt i was acting more mature in a way back when i was much younger...
I used to be proud of my ability to control myself well, 2 b fully aware of wat's gg on, 2 noe how 2 improve myself in order 2 achieve that goal of being a perfect woman hahaha... somewhere along the way i went downhill apparently... will i ever start climbing up again i wonder...
was thinking of searching 4 a new blog skin coz was tired of this one alr... not tt i blog often but well, it's time 4 a change... but searching 4 a new blog skin takes time that i do not hav the luxury of spending... my tutorials and notes await...
I used 2 b satisfied wif my performance in all aspects of my life.. now's definitely different already... I don't lyk giving up n hav always believed in the phrase 'you can give out but u can't give up'... yet now i'm close to the brink of giving up... when did i reach this stage of desperation i wonder...
Perhaps a nap will help me re-align my ideas n goals... i realise i really do need a goal so tt i can c where i'm gg coz moving aimlessly gets me nowhere... but i really hav no idea wat's ahead wat road 2 take, the many bumps in e road i left behind were nv really forgotten... how to move on if i don't let go...
I wan to b a better person, it has always been a goal of mine yet i feel as if i'm failing miserably... perhaps it's time 2 give myself a lecture n some +ve self-talk 2 refresh myself n leave behind the old me.. i really wan 2 b a new person wif much better characteristics that i currently hav n i wan 2 correct all those flaws of mine and acquire gd points tt i lack n hav always wanted but failed to achieve...
perhaps this is why i hesitated during those few minutes tt happened some time ago yet r still fresh in my memory... those few minutes when a crucial qns was asked and an answer was required...i gave my ans after choosing not 2 deliberate too much instead n juz c where this will lead me... i kinda got the feeling now tt it is coz i noe exactly wat kind of person i m n i dunno whether it's wise 2 impose myself on another being when i noe perfectly well the repercussions and perhaps unhappiness tt i could cause.
I really hope that somehow i didnt make life difficult 4 others though i alr knew tt it was a possibility those many mths ago... Forgiveness isnt so wonderful when i don't learn 2 b a better person in e process... Apologies n regrets arent as impactful as ensuring tt my bad qualities r greatly reduced or even removed along the way...
haiz so tired is my position in life right now.
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