hmmm realised that i keep wishing i was back in mg or if that's really not possible, then back in nj... as long as not now, not wif my current level of awareness of wat relationships (BGR) mean and the various thoughts and feelings they bring...
Haha sounds extreme but well juz feel lyk that. Back in mg it was really innocence that i had... nj was more of ignorance and me not bothering abt wat other ppl r doing n stuff, heck care attitude, coz well, they dun matter 2 me. Wat matters was myself, my friends, my studies and my CCA. V simple focus in life. Now... it's not much different, juz that my time in nj, esp ard ppl lyk hx n mitch, really forced me 2 open my eyes n start looking ard @ potential bfs haha. They 2 were forever discussing eye candies and chiobus. Was always shaking my head at their actions... but now i'm pretty much 1 of them. Dun quite lyk how i became lyk that, feeling as if I've lost myself in the process. I juz wan 2 go back 2 focusing on myself and juz me. Even if watever i'm doing now is a pretty much sooner or later thing, i rather it's later i guess... But oh well... wat's done is done, my perception to things hav changed n it's impossible 2 turn back.
So the only thing now left 2 do would b 2 face this part of myself. This part of myself prob developed more so during my working days... working days were hard.... hard 2 pass bcoz of their tedious nature and monotonous lifestyle... realised that on gg back 2 studies, my creativity has been stifled by work.. there's not much creative juices left in me despite the fact that i used 2 pride myself on being such a person... saddened... i'm dreading the day when i've 2 face the working world, juz glad that at least i've 4 yrs in uni, in this studying envt where i relish the opportunity 2 live life to the fullest, meeting new ppl everydae, hanging out wif diff friends, experiencing the various activities uni has 2 offer n juz having a great time that every student ought 2 hav. So i think from now on i'll prioritise yes, but also try 2 not hold back anymore haha. Sounds lyk i'm turning wild, of coz that wouldnt happen, i'm v disciplined but yup, juz enjoy wat's left of my studying yrs b4 i'm forced 2 bcome a real adult, wif obligations, behaviourial restrictions and well, diff set of thoughts and values.
Facing this part of me means recognising wat kinda ppl attract my attention and gain my respect... those real nice gentlemanly guyz r definitely it. but this also means that bcoz they're so nice, u mistake them being nice as smthg more than juz friends... so yah. irritating but true. Messing wif others' emotions coz they're too nice... seems so wrong.. haha... for me, i'm kinda attracted 2 polar opposites of me somehow... dunno y but it's true... perhaps coz i dun quite lyk wat i m rite now... so i admire those wif traits i dun hav or dun possess rite now... well, bcoz they're polar opposites of me, dere's nthg 2 any kind of relationship other than juz friends.. irksome but true. Sigh. Sometimes life is so unfair and sometimes one will feel so lonely but it's ok, i gotta keep reminding myself that i've still got friends ard me, thankfully so... they're the only ones who'll always b dere 4 me :) ah, the value of sincere friendship! ;)
Recent msn nick: the world of fairytales is where i belong.illusions.
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